So here it is, a new year and you’re wondering if this is the one when you’ll meet your match. But instead of just forging ahead with your usual course of action and viewpoint about romance, stop. Taking a little time to look at yourself and your beliefs about dating might just help you uncover that one thing that’s kept you from finding the relationship you want. That epiphany can help you get on the right path to love.

“We are basically unaware of the relationship patterns we develop in our own families as we grow,” explains Linda Mintle, a licensed clinical social worker, in Chesapeake, VA. “These patterns become so familiar and are repeated in our new relationships unless we choose to change them.” Here’s how to take a closer look and make any course corrections that are needed.

Learn to like yourself
Are you really going out there with confidence? If not, it’s time to ramp up your self-esteem. This exercise is key, because if you don’t like you, you’re more likely to attract people who don’t like themselves either or who prey on those with poor self-esteem. Ick. Who wants to date someone like that?

“Corny as it might sound, self-love is the only defense against dysfunctional relationships,” Terri Jones Salter, author of Sins of My Mother. “After all, if you’re willing to settle just so you won’t have to be alone with you, you’re a victim of self-loathing whether you realize it or not. What you’re saying is, ‘I’d rather be with anybody than be with me.’”

Until you’re able to love yourself — and be happy being with yourself outside of a relationship — Salter notes, “you will not find true fulfillment in a romantic relationship. But when you love yourself, you will see a relationship as an opportunity to share yourself with another.” Just recognizing this concept can play a major role in your personal growth and your search for your partner.

Understand your strengths
“Dating success can be achieved by truthfully examining one’s dating strengths and limitations and making course corrections,” notes Suzanne Blake, a relationship coach in Medfield, MA. “Make a list of your accomplishments to bolster your confidence and ego,” she suggests. “Pay particular attention to dating or other areas where you are not seeing success. Ask friends and supporters to help you make a list and then internalize it.” Focus on something like, ‘I am a great catch’ or ‘Why I would make a great partner’ until you begin to believe it. “That boosts your self-esteem and confidence.”

All this effort will reap big rewards, says Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last. “When you start to work on your issues and really look at whether this relationship is getting you what you want, you will look for people who are more in line with offering you a more positive relationship.”

Take a look back
It’s also important to go deep, beyond your surface emotions. After all, you have to know what you are doing and thinking in order to change it. Start by thinking about what role you played in your past relationships. “Chances are you were drawn to this person because you were playing out some role you played as a child and it is a comfortable one for you—even though it may not be getting the results you want,” notes Karen Sherman, a practicing psychologist in New York.

That’s what worked for Donna Glickman of Charlotte, NC. “I dated a lot of guys, but whenever it got serious, I’d get nervous and eventually break up,” she says. “Then I met a guy I really felt a connection with.” When he wanted to take it to the next level, she balked. “He wasn’t willing to let me go and encouraged me to look deeper into what was keeping me from committing to him. I trusted him, and we talked a lot, until I confronted my fears of being abandoned”—fears that were rooted in her past. If you don’t have a trusted friend to help you figure this stuff out, you might consider talking to your pastor or rabbi or working with a life coach or therapist.

By taking these steps, you are likely to have an epiphany about what has been going on in your love life (and your approach to it) and will be able to move forward with enhanced chances of success.

Margot Carmichael Lester is a North Carolina-based freelance writer and author.
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